The Girl No One Wanted

When it was time to begin fourth grade Cleo put me back into the same school I started in Kindergarten.  This was the same school that was founded by the pastor she took me to see when she first got me.  He did not have a lot of direct contact with me.  He was always on the fringes.

Since my last name was Smith, my seat was in the back of the classroom.  The chalkboard was blurry.  A routine eye exam done was performed by the school nurse indicated I may need glasses results were sent home with me for Cleo.  Cleo ignored this notice and many eye exam notices she received over the years.  My desk remained in the back.  I could not see the board, therefore, I would sit and daydream.  My grades began to suffer.  Math was my worst subject.  I could not see the board, so when the teacher would work problems and write them on the board she may as well have been writing them on the Moon for all I could see.  I still enjoyed reading.  I would hold the book almost touching the tip of my nose so I could see the words.  Headaches from eye strain and torment from other students were my constant companion.  I do not remember much about my fourth grade year.  Lou was diagnosed with Lung Cancer.  I was expected to take care of him.  I did the best I could.  Cleo soon began heaping cruelty on him.  He had become bed bound.  Lou required Oxygen to breathe.  Cleo would take his Oxygen tubing away, and laugh while he gasped for breathe.  I became thankful when Cleo started making more trips to Philadelphia.  She would stay in the city for days at a time rather than come back to the farm.

I would learn that God is the father to the fatherless.  (Psalm 68:5)  Lou was the only father figure I had.  I found him dead one day when I returned home from school one afternoon.  Cleo blamed me for killing him because I did not take good enough care of him.  Her words, “You killed him,” haunted me long into my adulthood.  I never felt I could do anything good enough.