Narcicissm and Spiritual Abuse

{ March 29, 2009 @ 7:42 pm } · { God, abuse, spiritual abuse }
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I was chatting with someone today addressing “Narcissist and religion,” he made a very interesting statement in which he stated, “If this is what happens in church, why on earth would any one want to go.” It is a great point, if narcissists had a legitimate and absolute claim in defining, directing and ruling over the church, then it would be a place to avoid at all costs.

When the oddballs like the narcissist get in positions of authority in the church, there is a fundamental inability to properly represent the essence of what the church and Christian faith is all about. The only thing they are capable of doing is misrepresenting the Christian faith, ruin lives, and create a state of chaos and tumult in everything they touch.
One of the major problems that leaders create is in their ability to “Ape” or “imitate” the Christian faith. When I use the word like “Aping the Christian faith,” it is in the context that these people are able to sound religious and spiritual by employing a host of words and phrases and all the Christian jargon one could think of in order to give the appearance of being God’s man for this time.

They have the form of Godliness but lack the true substance of what it means to be a Christian and a member of Christ’s church. What I am getting at is the fact that if there is a counterfeit or misrepresentation of the church and the Christian faith, then it presupposes that there is a true representation of the church and the Christian faith.
As many of us have found out, sometimes the hard way, that the way many IBF churches are structured today, it has opened out up doors of opportunity for dangerous people with unstable minds to infiltrate and cause an incredible amount of damage in the ‘Body of Christ.’ This is not new phenomenon; Scripture warns us that there will be false prophets and teachers who will secretly introduce some the worst heresies and spiritual abuse imaginable.

There is a positive side to narcissism, heresy, and spiritual abuse in the church. You may be thinking that I lost my mind here, but here me out. If spiritual abuse in the church is committed by false or incompetent teachers who misrepresent the Christian faith, then there must be a true and proper reflection of the church and the Christian faith. It is impossible to have a counterfeit unless there is in existence the “real thing” that is being mimicked.

I believe that same principle used in identifying counterfeit money should be employed in identifying counterfeit representations of the church and the Christian faith. The best way of doing so is not by looking exclusively at counterfeits but by looking at the real thing. If we know the truth, then we are more able and prepared to identify and expose the counterfeits.

What I want to do is proffer a few points for your consideration on what the church is in contrast with the misrepresentations of the faith. I know a lot of ink has been spilt addressing issues like this, so it is my intention to hit what I believe are some necessary and salient points regarding marks and nature of the True Church.

I believe that to understand the nature and purpose of the church and identifying what constitutes a “true church,” one must understand how the church has come into being. The existence of the church is not merely a human organization, association, fellowship, club, or any other humanly derived institution that was dreamed up by some smart people.
The church was created by the dynamic activity the Holy Spirit in establishing the Kingdom of God in the hearts and lives of those who are born again of the Spirit. The central message of Jesus Christ during His earthly ministry centered on the Kingdom of God as He stated in Mark 1:14-15, “The time has come, and the Kingdom of God is near; repent and believe the good news.” It is this Kingdom of God that has broken into and invaded human history to overcome evil and deliver people from its power and to bring a new life of blessedness that accompanies the Kingdom.

When Jesus spoke of the Kingdom of God, he was referring to the redemptive reign of God’s dynamic activity in establishing his rule among those who receive his kingdom and are born of the Spirit. All people who have been born of the Spirit possess repentance towards God, faith towards the Lord Jesus Christ and holiness of life, a new life, a new relationship with God, a new nature, a new desire.

Also, part of entering into and embracing the Kingdom of God, there is justification where God pardons all our sins and accepts us as righteous in his sight only for the righteousness of Christ imputed to us and received by faith. The Kingdom of God is God’s gift to us which salvation and the blessing attached to it is for us to experience.

Someone may ask, “What does the invasion of the Kingdom of God have to do with being part of the “true church?” This is the point, everyone who have been given new life in Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit are part of the “true church.” Having said this, there is another gift of God’s free grace which is our adoption into the Body of Christ with the right to all the privileges of the sons of God. In our adoption into the Body of Christ there is a new identity both individually and corporately with this new humanity. There are many examples in Scripture of this, such as, flock of Christ, household of faith, family of God, a chosen generation, a particular people, a nation, a royal priesthood. This is the “true church” united to Jesus Christ and all having the same Holy Spirit. It is a church that all people are welcome regardless of economic groups, social groups, ethnic groups, language groups etc. God has called this vastly diverse group together into corporate worship and for mutual aid and support in a visible express called the church.
This is where the rub comes into play; there are people who reject the Kingdom of God and salvation that is provided by Jesus Christ. In fact, there people who consider the gospel foolishness and a stumbling block thus they seek to suppress the truth of the gospel. Even though the enemies of the gospel of Christ cannot touch the “true church” because no one can snatch us out of God’s hand, the enemies of the faith are able to assault the visible or local manifestation of the church by way of infiltration. Throughout church history the most dangerous people were those within the camp of the visible church who wanted to question or change the faith into something else. Persecutors could put a Christian to death but they could not take their salvation or confidence in it, but a false teacher could lead people away from entering into the Kingdom of God or damage those in the faith.

You may be wondering, what does this have to do with spiritual abuse, the narcissist, the false teacher, and the sort? In fact it has everything to do with one spiritual health. Within the visible manifestation of the visible local church, God has provided us with teachers and pastors to mature us in the faith and point to Christ, and the Lord has given all members of the church gifts for its mutual edification. In the case of false teachers, the narcissist, or even the immature Christian, they do not understand the primary role of the Holy Spirit and Scripture in transforming the individual from the inside out. They do not understand that there is a God in heaven who is intensely involved in the lives of His people. For the abuser, they do not see a God in control; therefore, they must take the reigns of control and change or coerce people to conform to their idea of what is spiritual. IOW, The natural mind is devoid of the Spirit is not capable of discerning spiritual matters.

What happens in contrast, God progressively renews the whole person back to the image of God in which we are able to practice “true obedience;” whereas, the false teachers can only lead people to a false obedience of legalism and performance religious practices. They have no power to transform the inner man or give new life, their domain resides solely in the realm of external conformity to imposed rules and regulations that may give the appearance of Godliness but in reality denies the true power of the Spirit of God.

The spiritual abusers of whatever sort whether they are the narcissist or the incompetent who promotes and imposes their other doctrines including but not limited to legalism, performance, or just strange doctrines have no real power, no real authority, or real understanding of the Kingdom of God the true church born of the Spirit. The power abusers have over any true Christian is only to the degree they are able to manipulate, deceive, trick, or lure someone away from what they perceive as their standing in Jesus Christ. A persons standing with Christ does not change, but his perception of that standing may change dramatically. As long we fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith the abusers have no power at all. When our eyes are fixed on the LORD and the only way the false teacher, the abuser can really touch you is to overcome the sovereign God of the universe – and that is not going to happen.
My friends, there are a lot of people promoting a counterfeit Christianity which is nothing more than an imitation or fake representation of the real thing, the true church. Many of us have been burned by a host of imposers who misrepresent of the Christian faith and have skewed the true nature of the church. I want to encourage you that the “real thing” the true church exists and there is a seeking God who desires to bring you into it.

Ghetto Christians

{ January 7, 2009 @ 8:54 am } · { God's love, Judgementalism, spiritual abuse }
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Today, I was reading on another site about how the dean of the University I attended has written a book saying in effect, “happy is the only accepted emotion.”  He says that having negative emotions in times of hardship is sinful.  Even going through the stages of grief is sinful.  He says, yes, bad stuff comes but if you are angry or sad about it your not submitted to God.  He goes on to postulate that a person who is having difficulty is perhaps unsaved.

I wonders how grief can be a sin when Scripture is clear that Jesus wept (as any kid looking for a short verse to memorize knows).

Job is another example. Job grieved; Scripture is clear that he was definitely “angry and sad.” Then God shows up and says that Job was the wise one and his friends—whose advice wasn’t all that different than this dean’s–were the ones most in the wrong.

Note that Job never cursed God, never denied God’s righteousness, never doubted God’s existence, never renounced his faith, and never acted out his hurt by harming others or violating some other commandment. *Those things* would have been sins. But that’s not what Job did. Sadly, this man cannot see this difference.  He is still in the position of counselor for vulnerable students.

His book is mandated reading for freshman students at this University to read.  Many fall into a deep depression after reading it.  It is THE book recommended for those who are “troubled.”

The people who are being made to read this book are sometimes referred to as the ghetto of this organization.  Well, I guess, Job would have been in the ghetto also.

I have to admit, many years have passed after my experience with this man, however, when I read this, this evening all the negative emotions came back like a tsunami.  I have to admit that is exactly how I was treated.   At first when I did not get better on his timetable, I was told I was not trusting God.  When that did not cause me to shape up, I was labeled non-spiritual.  I still did not progress, therefore I was told I was unsaved.

There have been more recent burnt carcasses left in this mans path.

In 2006, I heard about a young man in the dorms at this University who attempted suicide. He was about to be expelled for it.   His “spiritual leader” was talking too loud and too flippantly about this young man’s pain. Acting as though this hurting young man just wasn’t as spiritual as he was.  Kinda reminds me of the Pharisee who said, “I thank God I am not like this sinner…”

Who is this man to be so dogmatic about the spiritual health of another?  Who is he to declare another person unsaved?  Perhaps Romans 8 is not in his Bible.

Freedom From Lies

{ January 2, 2009 @ 2:52 pm } · { My story, abuse, child abuse }
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Well it is now the beginning of a new year.  2009 is here.  I do not know all the reasons why, for me, this is the worst time of the year second only to the Holiday season.  Hmmm!  Perhaps it is because Lou died in the beginning of the year.  Perhaps it was because Cleo burned me by throwing boiling water on me in my sleep at the beginning of the year, I do not know.  Perhaps, it is because of the promises the new year brings.  Promises to me were always broken or were couched in threats to keep me from telling anyone about the abuse.  I was promised if I told I would be put in a reform school by the police because they would not believe me and that is what they did with lying little girls.  I was also promised I would be killed if I told anyone. Coercing to keep secrets of the abuse bring about two consequences.  First of all they allow the abuser to not be caught and to continue abusing.  Secondly, keeping such secrets cause the victim to lock down emotionally.  The victim learns to keep things inside.  This causes  attempts to deal with it and its impact much more difficult and painful because every time you disclose anything you’re tied up with the impact of the secret and the betrayal that telling others represents.  I know now as an adult that my abuse was not my fault and I did not deserve one iota of the abuse.  However,  why is it so difficult to break the feelings of guilt for breaking the promise to keep the secret?  It is Lou, Felix and Cleo who abused me, and other adults who knew and did nothing that should be ashamed.  Not me.   It is  the whole purpose of this blog is to enable me to release the information about my abuse onto the wider world and therefore release myself from the effects and power of the secret and yet be able to retain my confidentiality and relative anonymity, and yet get the word out about the long term effect of child abuse.  It is my way of telling my story but to still be allowed to keep some distance between myself and my abuse.

I now know both intellectually and emotionally that my abusers lied.  Nothing terrible has happened to me, whatsoever, for telling the truth.  Unburdening myself from the burden of the secrets has been cathartic in and of itself.  It has taken away the boogeyman that hid in the closet of my mind.  Always there, always threatening to jump out and get me when I least expected it.

Salt Stays in it’s Shaker

{ December 31, 2008 @ 2:06 pm } · { God, God's love, Judgementalism, child abuse, spiritual separation }
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The Christian University I attended took pride in the fact that it separated from others.  I received an excellent education when it came to “book sense” and the finer points of the law.  I was taught primary, secondary and tertiary separation was necessary for all committed Christians.  This was taught in a milder form in the church I grew up in as well.  The concept can be a bit confusing to those who have never been a part of the movement — I grew up in it, and I still have a hard time explaining it. But here goes:

Primary separation involves separating from those who practice false doctrine. This isn’t social, economic, political separation — it’s ecclesiastic separation. Interact with them in every other way, but don’t worship with them. This is actually a Biblical idea, and is practiced by most conservative churches today.

Secondary separation means that you don’t have anything to do with the people who don’t do primary separation.

Then there’s Tertiary separation. You separate from people who aren’t separated enough. It gets a bit ridiculous after a while. There are people I went to college with who will have nothing to do with me now, I’m not separated enough.

II Corinthians 6:17 says “Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you.”  It appears in many fundamental circles this verse is changed to, Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye nasty, saith the Lord….  I am not condoning idolatry or allowing false doctrine to be preached from the pulpit.  I am not suggesting someone should give up their personal standards nor not to follow God’s word.  I am concerned, though, because there is a tendency to become so separated that one never shares the good news of the Gospel of Peace with anyone.  Mark 5:13 says, “Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savor, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.”  What good is it if the salt sits in it’s salt shaker and is never poured out?

Let me weigh in with this thought. “Are we messy enough to discuss this?”

Let me explain.

I don’t think that people with real needs and real ministry talk much about separation. I know that is bold but let me speak. I don’t talk very much of separation now. I find that people who are messed up people need a different cuisine. Not throwing darts,  but seeking the lost needs to keep our focus on life and death. I do not have time to debate this stuff. Why?

At our services on Sunday we may have strippers, prostitutes, sex offenders and predators, druggies… some who know Christ and some that do not. Their lives are messy and often times without hope. Watch them listen to a 45 min sermon on Romans, week after week, trying to understand.

Open your arms to the manager of the strip joint who is wondering what Christ is all about. Yes, she comes to  church also. Teach all of them that Christianity will not abuse them as it has in the past by taking from them or making them become something that has nothing to do with the real need inside. Note them come in as you worry about kids and offenders being in the same place, immodest dress and talk, too much make-up, smells and bad breath… and see the need. Open your heart. Go get them.  Jesus ate with publicans and sinners.

Come with me to watch an AID’s patient suffers his way to death. When I left college, where all its arguments separation from the world were pounded into me for four years, God blasted me. I went to on a medical mission team and volunteered in an AID’s Hospice.  I knew a pastor who pastored in HI and one of the things God put me through when I went to visit was to show what real need was located and what it looked like. Salvio did not know Christ nor really wanted to. I sat next to him in his apartment which was empty now from the pillaging of homosexual friends who knew he did not need the stuff any more. I saw his body bend up into the air and back down to the bed as it fought the disease. I did not talk with him about separation.

Have your 6 year old daughter run and jump into his lap a few months earlier when he came to your home to visit and have a Bible Study. Wonder what could happen if… and let your heart pound with fear. But then relax remembering that God was in control. Not much separation there.

Now in OH go to a Bible Study with me this morning at a half-way house for sexual offenders and predators. Watch the 7 felons ask questions about God, the Bible, life, and death. Know that they will come to church and change the air and atmosphere by just walking in. Note that the consequences when people find out. When they ask why one of our ushers or guys is staying with this new man – walking every where he goes. Know that you will lose some Christians for it. “I can’t have my kids in a church where sexual offenders come.” Agreed. Let’s discuss separation.

Listen to the cries of a prostitute who comes in and says, “I know that I am trash” and be confident that God can change her. Tell her that she is not trash in God’s eyes because as Paul wrote… “but such were some of you”. Separation is not there either.

I am not saying that separation does not have a place but when the messiness of Christianity shows itself, the discussions are not too evident. In fact they are mute. Are we messy enough to discuss these things?

My view of separation changed when I finished my education at BJ and went to a small group of people in need. I learned that I had just as much need but was unwilling to admit it. As I counseled with a teenage girl who was forced to be a “sex toy” for an entire clan of cultural families, things changed. She was chosen at birth and given all kinds of jewelry, money, gifts when she gave the sexual provision to uncles and aunts, dad, brothers, nephews…. Now she sat in front of me without any light in the eyes, just a hollow soul. Christ was on my lips.  The Gospel was in the front, not separation.

I think we can discuss finer points of doctrine when and if we have our hands dirty with the junk of broken lives and torched minds. Neighbors??? That is comfortable! Why? We have the same DNA, financial & social standings, along with all the trimmings. No, go to the unloved and unwanted people who would never think about going to church. And will not come but for you. Be uncomfortable!

Take some gifts for the dancers at the local strip joint. Go in when the dress has not been degraded, just like the women, and tell them to come to your services the next day. Watch their shock. Tell them you would love to have them visit and stay. Hurt when they say, “This has never happened before.” When they come, be willing to shake hands and introduce them knowing that at night, that night, they will be using their hands for many different things, none of which would be acceptable in any part of society, let alone a church.

Get messy with the dirty parts of humanity and then let’s discuss separation. Let your dress (down to the knee), shirt (and tie if required), hair (above the ears), and shoes get mud on them while holding someone who is regurgitating on you and then let’s discuss separation.

I can discuss separation into the minutia with the best Christian people. I have. But I found it be of no use when the pain of sorted and sickened people comes on the heart.  Separation because of Music? Some of them cannot even hear because their ears have been blasted with drug use. I love watching God change them and bring them Himself while they cry as they sing off-key songs of grace, regardless of the arguments of hymns or worship songs. Learning righteousness, grace, and peace are weightier matters of the Law not whether they have the right phylacteries on their wrists.

Sit next to me when I hear the worst immoral guy in the county tell of his fetishes and how his wealthy life is coming unglued because of his sins. Touch his arm as his tears fall onto his hands and tell him of what, separation? Not hardly. Get close to dancing as he comes forward the next Sunday telling you of how God saved him in his seat in the service… even without an invitation.

Be done with these unfruitful discussions. Men wiser than us wrote and spoken on the topic “mo betta” than we will ever do. There is no new argument that has not been vocalized that already has not been. Yes, sanctification is important. It is my life. But we ought to harangue and rant about it when we have been soiled by others pain and sin. It is then that we know personally and experientially the ugliness of sin. It gives a different view.

Folks! Holiness is important and God can teach it too. I am thankful for anyway the profligate hears the message. “I will rejoice” regardless of the messenger, Paul says. I don’t agree with a lot of people on the TV but I am thankful when God uses them for grace to flow in the heart. Does that justify bad doctrine? Of course not but our focus is all wrong. Get messy and then let’s talk separation.

I am not in any way imputing wrong motives to you. I have written these things so that we will remember Christ “came to seek the lost,” FIRST! Christianity becomes imbalanced and foolish when those who talk about doctrine do not have the slimest chance of seeking the lost on them.  These are just some of the things I learned through the path that hopefully will encourage you.   Walk with those Christ walked with and you will be misunderstood and dismissed but at least you will know His heart, which is mo betta.

Nearsighted

{ December 31, 2008 @ 1:36 pm } · { God's love, My story, child abuse, invisable }
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When it was time to begin fourth grade Cleo put me back into the same school I started in Kindergarten.  This was the same school that was founded by the pastor she took me to see when she first got me.  He did not have a lot of direct contact with me.  He was always on the fringes.

Since my last name was Smith, my seat was in the back of the classroom.  The chalkboard was blurry.  A routine eye exam done was performed by the school nurse indicated I may need glasses results were sent home with me for Cleo.  Cleo ignored this notice and many eye exam notices she received over the years.  My desk remained in the back.  I could not see the board, therefore, I would sit and daydream.  My grades began to suffer.  Math was my worst subject.  I could not see the board, so when the teacher would work problems and write them on the board she may as well have been writing them on the Moon for all I could see.  I still enjoyed reading.  I would hold the book almost touching the tip of my nose so I could see the words.  Headaches from eye strain and torment from other students were my constant companion.  I do not remember much about my fourth grade year.  Lou was diagnosed with Lung Cancer.  I was expected to take care of him.  I did the best I could.  Cleo soon began heaping cruelty on him.  He had become bed bound.  Lou required Oxygen to breathe.  Cleo would take his Oxygen tubing away, and laugh while he gasped for breathe.  I became thankful when Cleo started making more trips to Philadelphia.  She would stay in the city for days at a time rather than come back to the farm.

I would learn that God is the father to the fatherless.  (Psalm 68:5)  Lou was the only father figure I had.  I found him dead one day when I returned home from school one afternoon.  Cleo blamed me for killing him because I did not take good enough care of him.  Her words, “You killed him,” haunted me long into my adulthood.  I never felt I could do anything good enough.

More News About Hephzibah House

{ December 31, 2008 @ 4:15 am } · { God, Hephzibah House, child abuse }
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Here is a copy of an article concerning the ongoing issues regarding Hephzibah House.  This story was in the Warsaw, Indiana Times Union Newspaper.  The story was written on 10/16/2008.

Local Hephzibah House Task Force Formed

Tim Robertson
Staff Writer

Twice within the past five months, former students of Hephzibah House, a boarding school for girls in Warsaw, have stood in front of the Kosciusko County Courthouse demonstrating to raise awareness of alleged abuse they claim they suffered while students at the school.

Some local residents heard their message and have decided to get involved in the former students’ efforts to change Indiana law.

“When (the former students) came to town, they brought a lot of awareness of something that people in town didn’t even know we had,” said Becky Moreno, Winona Lake.

Moreno, victims’ assistance coordinator at the Warsaw Police Department, is organizing a task force for people who are concerned about the claims that students were abused at Hephzibah House. She said the goal of the task force is to change what they say is a gap in Indiana’s laws. The gap concerns the state’s code regarding the duties of the Department of Child Services and child care institutions operated by private institutions.

Hephzibah House is a private, not-for-profit organization connected to Believers Baptist Church, Winona Lake. That means the school isn’t under any government oversight with regard to activities that take place on the campus. Former Hephzibah House students allege, without that accountability, they underwent physical, mental and emotional abuse which included beatings, humiliation and isolation.

Hephzibah House released a statement in June when former students were demonstrating in Warsaw, stating they could not grant any interviews. In the release, Hephzibah staff wrote, “Because of the nature of our work, which includes working with minors and the resulting needs for privacy of the girls and their parents, tours of the facility, interviews with staff members or students and other normal needs of the news media cannot be honored.”

However, the school did provide letters from supporters and former students, all denying that physical, emotional or mental abuse took place at the school.

Moreno said the task force she is organizing is aimed at helping all children in private residential facilities in Indiana.

“It’s not churches or adult organizations,” she said. “We’re talking about where children are involved. If they aren’t being held accountable, is that safe for these children?”

When former Hephzibah House students came to Warsaw in July, they met with Dist. 18 State Representative Dave Wolkins, Winona Lake, to try to enlist his support to begin an initiative to examine the state laws in Indianapolis. However, after the meeting, Wolkins said he doesn’t support a change that would give the government more supervision of private religious organizations.

Hephzibah House staff provided a statement reporting that Wolkins toured their facilities July 10. The statement claimed Wolkins has toured the facility “several times over the last several years.”

According to the statement, “Wolkins and others toured the educational and recreation areas, as well as the commercial kitchen, ministry property and maintenance shop.”

Wolkins said during his tour of Hephzibah House he questioned the school’s director Ron Williams about the accusations against the school staff.

“I asked Dr. Williams about them, he says there’s a grain of truth to all of them, depending on how you interpret it,” Wolkins said.

As for the women’s accusations against the school, Wolkins said, “I have no doubts that they are sincere. They felt intimidated, I have no doubt. But, that is all part of the program. Behavior modification we would call it.”

He said the women’s impression that what they underwent was abuse is just one interpretation.

“They believe they were abused and I guarantee you Dr. Williams believes they were not abused,” he said. “To me, abuse has to have some intent of some sort. I am convinced that everything they’re doing out there, they’re doing with the best intentions of changing the behavior of the girls who come there.”

Wolkins said he was happy to meet with the women, but he is not ready to support their initiative, which he does not expect to gain steam in Indianapolis.

“This is a pretty conservative state,” he said. “I think they would have a very hard time being successful in doing it.”

Moreno said, right now, her task force is just a handful of people. They plan to have their first meeting today at 7:30 p.m.

“I’m hoping, as we meet and get a plan, that more people will want to get involved,” she said.

Gabriella Fleury, Wisconsin, is a former Hephzibah House student. Fleury said she was a student at the school from August 1989 to November 1990. She has helped organize the recent demonstrations at the courthouse. She said the formation of the local task force is encouraging.

“At first, we weren’t really convinced that anyone in the community really cared,” she said. “It seems that our past trips here have really paid off.”

Fleury said she is glad to see local awareness of her and other former students’ claims turn into action.

“Now they feel there’s something they can do to help since it’s something affecting their community,” she said.

The first meeting of the task force coincides with another local demonstration by Fleury and other Hephzibah House students. Fleury said about eight former Hephzibah House students, along with several students from another program headquartered in Indianapolis, will demonstrate in front of the courthouse Friday at 11 a.m.

For more information about the task force, call Moreno at 574-372-9539.”

How is it possible that someone seemingly functional in politics, a State Representative, no less, can be so blatantly illogical and patronizing in the face of it all?

Plain and simple: abuse does not need intent to be abuse. If that were not the case, any random fruitcake could claim ideological grounds for committing any heretic act on anyone they chose, young children would still be employed by sweatshops, and our legal system would more closely resemble a theocracy.

Here’s something to think about: how are you going to prove what a person’s intent is or isn’t if they happen to be a pathological liar, a sociopath who hides it really well, or someone suffering from an as-yet-undiagnosed mental illness?

Wear the Right Clothes to Church!

{ December 31, 2008 @ 12:33 am } · { God, Judgementalism, Uncategorized }
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The following entry is not the typical entry for this blog.  I am going to post something that is on my mind right now.  I lost my best friend and her husband recently.  Here is the story.

What would Jesus say when He would look up on a church website for service times and read dress requirements that seem more important than a soul?  What if a woman doesn’t own a proper dress?  Must she purchase a proper dress before going to church?  What if a man doesn’t own a suit, must he wait until Monday to purchase one, and then go to church the following week?  What if on the way to purchase the “right” clothes an accident occurs and they are killed?  Would many of these same Christians would wag their heads and say, “If only they knew my Jesus?” Christian, don’t answer no too quickly.  This happened to friends of mine who were unsaved with whom I had been telling them about Jesus for some time. The husband was a mechanic who did not own a suit, His wife wore jeans.  When checking out times for services at a local church they read the dress requirements and put off going until they could purchase the “proper” clothing which was dresses below the knees for woman and suits or at least dress pants and dress shirt and ties for men.  On the way to the mall Monday evening they both were tragically killed when a truck hit their van.  I was asked by people from that church if “they knew the Lord.”  I had to answer that as far as I knew they did not.  I was then told, “That’s too bad, it saddens me that they did not know my Jesus.”  I wanted to respond, “No thanks to your church!”  What is sad is that what they wore to church meant more than where this couple would spend eternity.  Whether they would have accepted Jesus as their Savior, I cannot tell you.  What I can tell you is that the opportunity to introduce them to the Savior was missed because of dress. The fact that they were on the way to purchase clothing for church indicates at least they were open to the gospel.

Invisible

{ December 30, 2008 @ 4:51 pm } · { My story, books, child abuse, invisable }
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Cleo enrolled me in another Christian School.  I stayed at this school for two years.

I learned at home it was necessary to remain as invisible as possible.  I learned to walk very quietly as to not rouse the lioness that was always waiting to pounce.  I was often very hungry but learned never to complain or ask for food.  I would sneak what I could and hide it away to be eaten later.  I learned to eat plenty of cans of cold vegetables and other canned goods.   To this day, I would rather eat cold baked beans from straight from a can than heat them up.  I would sneak one or two slices of bread all the while praying Cleo would not miss them.

I rarely had a bath or a shower.  Cleo said it was a waste of water.  She would become enraged if I bathed more than once a week.  Another reason why I did not bathe much was because Cleo insisted on bathing me.  She would after the bath have me lie on the bed to dry me and put powder on me.  When she was not around Lou did the deed.  I was never allowed to bathe myself.  This bathing ritual continued until I left the farm at around 12 years of age.  I was violated with every bath I took.

As you can imagine, living on a farm, being required to sleep in the barn, and the absence of routine bathing, I did not smell very good.  In addition my clothing was rarely washed.  I had long brown hair that was dirty and badly tangled.  I would try to brush my hair.  Cleo would not help me.  She would just put my hair in a pony tail, many times by only putting her fingers through my hair.

I was sent to school this way.  I was tormented not only by the other children but the teachers as well.  My nickname at this school was, “barn girl.”  I was called this by my teacher as well.  I also was sent to school most days without a lunch.  Rarely did I eat breakfast before school.  I was paddled for stealing lunches.  Not once, did my teacher or principal ask why I was coming to school filthy and hungry.  No one questioned why I did not have a lunch.  Once I was literally dragged down the hall by the principal and beaten with a metal chair leg for eating a banana from another students bag.  I have pictures of me from that time.  I was so thin and grungy looking I cannot believe no one would not want to know why a second and third grader was coming to school like that.

One thing that was my escape, I loved to read.  I would read anything I could get my hands on.  Reading took me to places where people were kind and loved.  Reading took me to far away places like India, far away from the farm.

My suffering was invisable to others, my books became my best friends forever.

Lies, Isolation, and Expulsion

{ December 28, 2008 @ 9:14 am } · { My story, child abuse }
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Cleo kept me isolated on the farm away from other adults and children.  When I was old enough to start school she enrolled me in various fundamentalist Christian Schools.  It was much easier in the late 1960’s and the 1970’s to enroll a child in school without providing the paperwork required today to prove identity, custody, health records, etc. that are required today.  Another important thing to remember is she enrolled me in independent fundamental christian day schools who were not state licensed.  The schools she enrolled me in fiercely fought to keep the “right” not to be licensed by the state by citing separation of church and state as the reasoning for doing so.   She would enroll me in a school who had such views because enrolling me in a public school would have raised questions about who I was and how she came to have custody of me.

When I was five years old, Cleo enrolled me under a name she told myself and others was my name.  It was determined after her death that she had never adopted me through any legal means, nor was the name she said my name was,  Salina Smith, found on any birth, adoption or other records at that time or since.  When this was revealed I was quite traumatized because not only had she viciously abused me,  she had deceived me  to what my very name was.  I was thirteen or fourteen before this was told to me.  My suspicion has grown through the years to the point where I now believe she kidnapped me as a child.

I have had these haunting memories for as long as I can remember.  I remember sitting playing with a doll on the floor, and looking up at a woman with long dark brown hair.  She was washing dishes.  She looked at me and smiled.  Another memory I have is Cleo snatching me up roughly while I was crying and saying,  “I want my mommy.”  I also have had a recurring dream all my life that Cleo bloodied my nose while telling me,

“Shut up!  I’m your mother!  If you tell anyone I’m not, I will kill you!”  This recurring dream was occurring long before I was old enough to understand it would have been a biologic impossibility for a woman who has had an hysterectomy to have a child.

I somehow knew when Cleo would tell acquaintance, school teachers, and others that she was my mother that she was not.  This is not an example of hindsight being 20/20, but an absolute knowledge that she was not my mother.  I remember telling her that I knew she was not my mother.  After her tirade was over, Cleo told me my real mother abandoned me because I was to much trouble to take care of.  I believed Cleo, I thought  my real parents did not want me and left me with her.  She told me she adopted me.  Cleo told me I was to tell no one that she adopted me.

As I mentioned above, when I was five Cleo enrolled me in the first of four Fundamental Christian Day Schools.  Interesting enough, this Christian school was owned and operated by the Church of which the pastor whom Cleo had first shown me to was the senior pastor.  I was not ready to start school because I had almost no contact with people other than Cleo and Lou.  Up until this time, I had no contact with other children my age.  I had never been before this time, had the opportunity to play with other children.  I was not ready for school either emotionally or socially.  I also was behind my class in the academic area also.  I did not know how to count at all or any of the alphabet.  As a result, my teacher recommended I repeat Kindergarten.  Cleo became enraged at the teacher telling the teacher she did not know how to teach.  Cleo removed me from this school and placed me into another Fundamental Christian School where I did repeat Kindergarten the following year. I did not complete the whole school year at this school.  The school began questioning my unkempt appearance, the fact I was stealing lunches from other students because I did not have a lunch, and other suspicions of neglect my teacher was noticing.  Of course, my punching the Principal’s daughter in the nose because she took the one pink hairband I owned cinched my fate.  I was expelled ending any more involvement of the teacher who, according to Cleo, “couldn’t mind her own %!!#@$!! business.  This school administration was also asking questions as to how Cleo had custody of me.  Once I was expelled all contact with the school ceased, allowing Cleo to keep her secrets for many more years.

Romans 8:31b-39

{ December 27, 2008 @ 11:01 pm } · { God, God's love }
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“…If God is for us, who can be against us?  He did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all-how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?  Who shall bring any charge against those whom God has chosen?  It is God who justifies.  Who is he that condemns?  Christ Jesus, who died-more than that, who was raised to life-is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.  What shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long: we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

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